Now there’s a headline you thought you’d never see—and may well wish you hadn’t. For months now, Brian has been providing thoughtful, detailed, data-based analysis of the horses Derby-bound, including information on breeding, distance limitations, and surfaces.

But with all due respect to him, he has left out one crucial factor: the horses’ names. So herewith, I present my Second Annual Derby Picks by the Letters.

Friesan Fire: Going strictly by past performances, this is a horse that I would certainly use in my wagering on Saturday…but if this horse wins, we are doomed to weeks of bad puns (see Pyro, 2008), about sizzling fractions and torrid paces and whatever other obvious double entendres writers can find. I can’t bear it.

I Want Revenge: Ditto Friesan Fire. If he beats Pioneerof the Nile, you can see the headline: “Mullins’ Colt Gets His Revenge.” Spare us, please.

And speaking of Pioneerof the Nile: he’s out strictly on spelling. His name has already been misspelled hundreds of times (including by those who should know better), and I find it annoying that I have to get annoyed about the misspelling of a name that’s misspelled to begin with. On the basis of meta-misspelling, out.

Flying Private: This one manages to sound simultaneously elitist and salacious. I can see it now: he wins, and the first foal he sires is called “Mile High Club.” No thanks.

Chocolate Candy: Chocolate makes me throw up. Enough said.

The whole series of militaristic/violent names is out: Musket Man, Regal Ransom, General Quarters, Atomic Rain.

I make an exception for Dunkirk because of the historical allusion.

Given the celebratory nature of the First Saturday in May, I’m going with the revelry trifecta of Join in the Dance, Desert Party, and Mr. Hot Stuff. Or maybe it’s the sensualist trifecta…or the sybaritic trifecta…or the…

This year’s field lacks both the intellectual inclinations that such horses as Anak Nakal and Gayego brought to last year’s Derby, and the clever pedigree-based names of Cool Coal Man and Smooth Air. While I had a hard time coming up with some really tempting hunch bets, Dana at Green but Game found no shortage of hunch exotics to sap your bankroll, though the field has changed since her initial post last week.

Brian’s picks will be along in a few hours.

Good luck and safe trips to all!