It didn’t start well. Trying to TiVo the Oaks broadcast on Bravo and get to work on time, I was frantically scanning the listings: Where’s the horse race? Where’s the horse race?

Oh, there it is… “Ladies First.” No wonder I missed it.

First sentence of description: “Food, fashion and celebrities from Louisville, Ky.”

Are they trying to trick people into watching it? Let’s pretend it’s not a horse race and maybe people will tune in?

I did not have high hopes.

Hope grew when the first voice I heard on the broadcast was that of Bob Costas, Mr. Sports Gravitas; his presence legitimized the initial puffery, and he led by establishing the importance, current and historical, of the Oaks.

Hope died when we went next to—ugh–Access Hollywood’s Nancy O’Dell, who confessed right away that this was her first Kentucky Oaks and Derby. Yeah, this is exactly whom we should have hosting the show.

With references to female illness in the form of the Susan G. Komen For the Cure Foundation to raise money to fight breast cancer, and the promise that the show would focus on “fashion, food, and all around glamour,” they might just as well have put up a title saying, “Men, pay no attention. Race fans, head on over to the OTB channel.”

Poor Donna Brothers got the Bethenny Frankel beat. After a quick reference to her trainer father, Bethenny admitted that it’s not easy to be fashionable and get from the backside to the clubhouse (which, I will say, is true). We got an up and close personal look at Bethenny’s groovy rain boots. I liked them. I really did, and I might even buy a pair. But I don’t want to see them on a racing telecast.

Bethenny then regaled us with the story of her first Derby, when, on the trek from the backside, both of her heels came off. Perky, resolute, and undeterred, she called on the services of a paddock blacksmith to nail the heels back on. “It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t Bravo style, but it worked.” Phew.

When asked her opinion on the horses in the Oaks, Bethenny told us that she liked Rachel Alexandra because she’d heard that the horse was the best filly in ten years. “Handicappers tell me.” God forbid that she have a handicapping thought of her own.

How is Donna Brothers doing this with a straight face?

I clicked the timer to see how much longer I’d be subjected to this…and three minutes have elapsed. THREE. It felt like an hour.

We go next to handicapper Bob Neumeier, who’s armed with a Racing Form. Nice contrast. Bethenny gets told who’s good, but Bob can figure it out all by himself. Nancy O’Dell says of handicapping, “That gives me a headache.” Girls don’t have a head for figures. Remember that Barbie from a decade or so ago? “Math is haaaard.” Hmm. Is that Barbie floating around Churchill Downs, too?

Oh, but enough about the horses! Let’s go to an on-site promotion for Bravo program Top Chef, in which a chef commits a mortal sin by desecrating bourbon with basil and blackberries. She should be kicked out of Kentucky.

O’Dell then talks to the founder of Susan G. Komen, and while we can hear them fine, we can’t see their faces—literally—because their mammoth hats are in the way.

The focus on charities—both Susan G. Komen and care of the backstretch workers—is highlighted in a horseback conversation between breast cancer survivor and former jockey Patti Cooksey and Donna Brothers. Nice work by the producers to take the opportunity to promote a racing cause.

This has been the longest nine minutes of my life.

In a shocking move, we go to Kenny Rice at the barns, with actual race odds on a crawl.

Bethenny awkwardly judges a fashion show.

Thank goodness, we’re back to racing with Neumeier and Mike Battaglia.

The grooms accompanying the Oaks starters are all wearing pink vests. The outriders are all wearing pink jackets.

Now we’re in the paddock with pre-race coverage. It’s a little dull, and it’s all about Rachel Alexandra. You might think it was a one-horse race. Oh, wait…

But maybe this is why racing doesn’t get coverage; it’s fun to be at the track between races, but it doesn’t make for a lot of compelling television.

The trumpeter is wearing pink, too. I’m beginning to think Pepto-Bismol.

Tom Durkin’s call of the race was cool, cool, cool, until Rachel Alexandra pulled away…and then it wasn’t. He was accurate and precise, and emotional at exactly the right time.

Gary Stevens offers decent if perfunctory post-race analysis–what is there to say?

I know that some were upset by the post-race comments of Rachel Alexandra’s breeder and owner Dolphus Morrison…but I don’t mind that he chose to race her in the Oaks, that he chose to honor the Oaks, instead of deciding that it would be “better” for her to run in the Derby. If that’s what we encourage owners/trainers to do, we will necessarily demean the filly and mare races, and I’d hate to see that happen. I don’t necessarily agree with Morrison’s perspective, but I do agree with his decision.

We end with a little political grandstanding in the winner’s circle—more awkwardness—and then mercifully, the hour comes to an end.

Check out Superfecta’s take on the show as well.