I have until now managed to avoid the dreaded Derby pick. My TBA colleagues are handicapping in depth, Alan quite traditionally; others, not so much. The Quinella Queen goes the bibliographical route, Railbird goes by the numbers, and Dana hits the romantic angle. Sue, like me, is still in search of the horse that we believe will take us to the promised land.

So in light of this indecision, in light of the fact that none of the twenty going postward has me heading to the ATM to back up my faith with cash, I’m doing what many a horseplayer would do in this situation: I’m going with names.

First, the throw-outs:

Pyro: Please, please spare us any further exposure to the dreaded incendiary metaphor. Surely the call from this year’s Risen Star (“Pyro comes back…full…of…fire!”) is enough to last a lifetime.

Big Brown: The colt is named for UPS, a client of minority owner Paul Pompa; I am not betting on an advertisement with four legs.

Tale of Ekati: Another walking (running) commercial, named for a diamond mine in Canada that made his owner a millionaire. Also fairly immodest, no, to name your potential money-making horse after something that’s already made you rich? Out.

Z Humor and Z Fortune: hubristically named for their owner, and it’s too hard to tell them apart. With all the talk this week about the selection process for the Derby, overlooked is the fact that no two horses with names this similar should be allowed to run in the same race.

Recapturetheglory: I just can’t go for these horses withthenamesallstrungtogether. Seventeen spaces should be more than enough to come up with a decent name, without having to eviscerate the conventions of English orthography.

Those still in consideration:

Cool Coal Man: Without question, he’s got the best name in the race, firmly honoring tradition and pedigree. By Mineshaft, who is out of Prospectors Delite, who’s by Mr. Prospector, who’s out of Gold Digger. I bow down humbly—bravo!

Big Truck: By Hook and Ladder. Second to Cool Coal Man in style points.

Anak Nakal: It took us months to figure out how to say it, and longer to figure out that it means “naughty child” in Turkish Indonesian. I dig the estoteric element. Thanks, Carol.

Gayego: Another in the esoteric category, this colt’s name refers to the natives of Galicia, a region in northern Spain. And hey, any time I can learn something from a horse’s name, the horse becomes a contender.

Smooth Air: Not so much because I like this colt’s name, which is a rather immature mingling of his sire and dam (Smooth Jazz – Air France), but for the majesty of his dam’s name: Air France, by Twin Propeller out of French Deputy. Ooooh, that’s good.

Whatever system, or lack thereof, that you’re using today, may luck be with you, may the best horse win (unless I’ve got money on another one), and may they all come home safely.